Yeah, LOL.


Most likely what's wrong is the VANOS unit. Unlike a Honda where the solenoid sits outside the valve cover, in the S54's the piece is located inside the head. It's the breakaway piece in this pic:



You gotta take off the intake manifold and essentially take out the camshafts. Unfortunately you can't really do that with normal hand tools. Add into the fact that the dealer's rates are around $100 an hour and the parts are marked up 500% and you end up with almost a $4k bill.